Writing critique request: Zhou Ziwang gets an injection from the "doctor"

Question

Continuing from part 3 (with the story starting at part 1):

我们到了医务室，这家楼看起来像实验室，而并不是像普通的医院。我看着我爸，他似乎已经对这个地方很熟悉，甚至知道怎么走。他说了“我的朋友在这儿工作”。我们一进去就看到医生了，而他带我们去他的办公室。医生立刻从桌子的抽屉中取出了一只注射器，说“这会解决你的体重问题 ”。我有奇怪的感觉，但是我爸悄悄地说“我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因”。虽然我当时还有所怀疑，但我就只是相信父母而已，因此我让他给我注射。没有发现了立即而明显的后果，所以然后医生就走了，而我们回家了。

Please critique my writing. New words for me are in links. I'm at an "almost mastered HSK4" level.

I'm afraid 一进去就[...] is too often used in relation to premature ejaculation (一进去就射了), which would be totally inappropriate here. But maybe what I've written is okay.

Also I'm not sure if 而已 is appropriate.

I won't include an English version: that's not the point of this exercise. I'm fairly confident it's understandable (or at least if it needs modifying, it won't require much back-and-forth in the comments).

Answer 1

Hard to explain this one. 栋 for a building and 座 for a certain kind of building?

我们到了医务室，这家(栋)楼看起来像(座)实验室

像 is a verb in Chinese so you don't add 是. Alternatively use 像是 as a single phrase.

而并不是(remove)像普通的医院

的 should be removed, I believe, so is 了. Also I would reverse the order to My friend works here', he says. (“我朋友在这儿工作, 他说).

他说了“我的朋友在这儿工作”.

Reorder 了? 我们一进去就看到了医生

我们一进去就看到医生了,

Not sure about 而, because I don't feel any logical relation here. Maybe use a word for temporal relation, e.g. 立刻, 他立刻带我们去了他的办公室 (adding 了 for past tense)

而他带我们去他的办公室。

I would use 我感觉有些奇怪 (I feel somehow strange) rather than 我有奇怪的感觉(I have some strange feelings).

我有奇怪的感觉，但是我爸悄悄地说“我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因”。

而已 is fine I think, but maybe 当时 to the "believe" part, because I think that part need it more. Also 注射了

虽然我当时还有所怀疑，但我就只是相信父母而已，因此我让他给我注射。

没有立即发现明显的后果("Didn't immediately see obvious result"). But not sure about the "发现". Here you are expecting to "feel" something, e.g. 没有立即感到明显的变化(Didn't immediately feel any difference). Or just "没什么明显的感觉" (Didn't feel anything noticeable)

没有发现了立即而明显的后果

Again I don't feel the logical relationship here, so remove 所以 and 而, maybe add 也(also). "然后医生就走了，我们也回家了" ("Then the doctor left, so did we")

所以然后医生就走了，而我们回家了。

Answer 2

The sentences are short, implying the passage is colloquial. However, its style doesn't accord to daily language, which makes it translationese.

我爸就带我去了医院，但比起医院那座建筑看起来更像研究所。我爸似乎已经很熟悉这里了，他根本没有问路。哦，我想起他说过有朋友在这里工作。最后我们到了一个房间，进去就看到了医生，见了我们立刻带往了他办公室。医生从抽屉里取出一支注射器，告诉我说打了以后就不会有体重问题了。我感到十分奇怪，但爸爸小声解释说他早就跟医生说过了。听了这话我虽然仍然怀疑，但出于对父亲的信任我没有拒绝注射。打完之后没什么特别的感觉，但医生确定已经完成了，于是走掉了，所以我们也回家了。

Comments:

It seems that you are not used to use link words, so sometimes it's weird in logic.

实验室 is a room complex, while 研究所 is a building complex.

一支注射器

"这会解决你的问题" We don't say like that, which I have only heard in translation works.

• 这并不能解决你的问题。√
• 这解决得了你的问题吗？√
• 这样你的问题就解决了。√
• 你还有什么问题没解决？√
• 这不会解决你的问题的。√
• 这会解决你的问题。x
• —— hard to say why.

"我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因" Oh, it's worse.

• 你为什么要来我已经告诉过他了。
• 我已经告诉过他你为什么要来了。
• 我已经跟他说过你要来的原因了。

"虽然我…但我…因此我" is usually shortened as "我虽然…但…因此"

"而已" Why? I don't see how it is used.

"后果" is usually something bad, and is always used to imply the consequence/effect of something. It cannot be used alone.

• 你有没有考虑过徇私枉法的后果？√（下场/结果x）
• 现在锒铛入狱才后悔当初没有多想想贪污腐败的后果。√（下场√结果x）
• 上述两句区别在于，“下场”必定是已成现实/假定已成现实。
• 现在家道中落，祖荫尽失，可谓是不思进取的后果。√（结果/下场√）（贬损的语气下场＞后果＞结果）
• 这样做不用担心有什么后果。√（结果/下场x）
• 树倒猢狲散，飞扬跋扈的王家没落得个好后果。x（结果/下场√）
• 利用政策套利，目前还没发现有什么后果。√（结果/下场x）

Should 儿化音 be written down or not? I recommend not.