Writing critique request: Zhou Ziwang was fat when she was young

Question

Continuing on from part 1:

当我是女孩时，世界上最重要的是吃巧克力和其它甜食。我爱吃麦当劳、我爱吃比萨、我爱吃巧克力蛋糕。我爸忙时就让我吃，如此我不打扰他，而他经常在电脑上工作。并不奇怪的是，我当时很胖。

虽然我很小，但不得不注意到了别人不同的对待我，使我感到对自己的身体不满意，而我变得越来越难过了。我渴望变瘦了，或者至少不那么胖。那时候我知道吃热量高的食物让人长胖，可是甚至成年人遇到控制体重的困难，仅仅少吃不够减肥。吃巧克力使我心里感到很满足。

Please critique my writing. Probably the bit I'm most uncomfortable with is "可是甚至成年人遇到控制体重的困难" but I'm not sure how else to write this.

I spoke with my teacher about this, and she mentioned I should point out my level: I've nearly finished studying HSK4.

I've tried to incorporate feedback from the last part, e.g. I use 如此 here which arose last time, and even 我当时很胖 as a result of this question. I've tried to be more careful choosing words, and be a bit more succinct in my writing (neither of which is easy). The passage is a bit shorter, but I feel if it's too short, it wouldn't be useful.

Part of the reason for doing this is because standard Chinese language texts are incredibly boring. There's no story, just isolated sentences without meaning.

I'm hoping not for a word-for-word correction to perfect Chinese, but more a critique: mostly just identifying the major issues (that I might be totally blind to). Alternatively rewriting the passage in your own style is also very helpful; afterwards, I'll compare our word and grammar choices.

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English version:

When I was a little girl, the most important thing in the world was chocolate and other junk food. I loved eating McDonalds, pizza, and chocolate cake. When my father was busy, he would let me eat so I wouldn't disturb him. And he was often on his computer working. Unsurprisingly, I became fat.

Although I was young, I couldn't help be notice people treated me differently, and it made me feel unhappy with my body, and I slowly became sad. I wanted to be skinny, or at least not so fat. At that time I knew eating fatty foods causes people to become fat, but even adults struggle to control their weight, I can't just simply not eat and lose weight. Eating chocolate made me feel content inside.

Answer 1

1. Check ambiguity.

Writers should read his or her own writing, try to see if there are other possible interpretations for certain phrases.

For example: When you chose "女孩" in "当我是女孩时" you were thinking "girl" as a female child, but both "女孩" in Chinese and "girl" in English can refer to " young female".

To remove ambiguity in "当我是女孩时" you can add "小" before "女孩" and write "当我是(小)女孩时" to clarify "girl" refers to "female child" not "young female"

2. Remember Chinese verbs have no tense

Since Chinese verbs do not have tense, The tense of this sentence "Although I was very small" (虽然我很小) need to be clarified by other means

e.g. "虽然我(那時還)很小" - "Although I was very small (at that time)"

It is just a single example, you should check your sentence to see if tense is needed or not, because in many instances the context already indicate the verb is in the pass tense or present tense.

For example: "(十年前)当我(還)是女孩时" clearly implies:

a. The verb "是" is in past tense.

b. 女孩 (girl) refers to "female child" not "young female"

3. abuse of 了

"了" indicate "completion" or change of "state" . You have to check if "了" is needed in a sentence. Take: "我渴望变瘦了" (I hope to get thin) for example.

• 了 in "我渴望变瘦了" implies "I begin to hope to get thin" (change of state)

• 了 cannot modify 变瘦 to indicate the verb 变瘦 is completed because the main verb "hope" indicated you were not thin already

If you didn't mean "I begin to hope to get thin", you should just write "我渴望变瘦"

I can only point out some of the bad habits I noticed. There are a lot of areas can be improved in your writing, but that involves more in-depth study on your part. Write more, get corrected more and analyze why a sentence you wrote is being corrected. Eventually you too can notice what mistakes you often make and learn not to make it again. Or discover the better way to express your thought by noticing how people edit your text to a more native style.

I am sure other people can point out more of your mistakes and provide solutions.

You can compare your text with my editing to see if you can notice something:

当我是女孩时，--> 当我(还)是(小)女孩时，

世界上最重要的是吃巧克力和其它甜食。--> (对我来说)世界上最重要的是吃巧克力和其它甜食。

我爱吃麦当劳、我爱吃比萨、我爱吃巧克力蛋糕。

我爸忙时就让我吃， --> (每当)我爸忙(的)时(侯)就让我吃，

如此我不打扰他，而他经常在电脑上工作。--> (这样)我(就)不(会)打扰他在电脑上工作。

并不奇怪的是，我当时很胖。--> (难怪)我当时(会那么)胖。

虽然我很小，但不得不注意到了别人不同的对待我，--> 虽然我(那时还)很小，但(已)不得不注意到别人(对我)(与别不同)的(态度)，

使我感到对自己的身体不满意， --> 使我对自己的身体(感到)不满意，

而我变得越来越难过了。我渴望变瘦了，--> 我变得越来越难。我渴望变瘦。

或者至少不那么胖。那时候我知道吃热量高的食物让人长胖， --> 至少以能瘦一点。那时候我(已)知道吃热量高的食物(会)让人(变)胖，

可是甚至成年人遇到控制体重的困难，--> 可是(连)成年人(都会)遇到控制体重的困难，(何况,是我这个小女孩？)

仅仅少吃不够减肥。--> 仅仅少吃(是)不(足以)减肥(的)。

吃巧克力使我心里感到很满足。--> (加上)吃巧克力(能)使我心里感到很满足，(减重就更困难了)。

(the last two sentences are disjointed)

Answer 2

even adults struggle to control their weight, I can't just simply not eat and lose weight. 

A Chinese way can be: 节食减肥大人都很难坚持，更何况我。

It's not word for word.

Chinese is quite different from English. E.g.

When I was a little girl, the most important thing in the world was chocolate and other junk food.  I loved eating McDonalds, pizza, and chocolate cake

In Chinese, it can be: 小时候，我超爱巧克力和垃圾食品，像麦当劳，披萨，还有巧克力蛋糕。

 When my father was busy, he would let me eat so I wouldn't disturb him. And he was often on his computer working. Unsurprisingly, I became fat.

Chinese: 爸爸工作很忙，我经常趁他在电脑前工作时吃东西，这样他就无暇顾及我了。我自然也就胖了。

Answer 3

As in your last question, I will give my own translation to help you.(●°u°●)​ 」

This time I will use a more colloquial style.

当我还是个小女孩时，巧克力那样的垃圾食品在我的世界中最重要了。麦当劳、披萨、巧克力蛋糕，我都爱吃。爸爸忙着的时候就会准我吃，这样我便打扰不到他。他又经常用电脑工作，所以并不奇怪，我变得很胖。

尽管我还小，但还是不免发现周围人对我的区别对待，这使我对自己的身体很不满意，渐渐沮丧起来。我想瘦成闪电，不成也别这么胖呀。那个时候我就知道吃高脂食品让人长胖，但即便是成年人要控制体重也少不了一番挣扎，我更做不到简简单单不吃来办到。吃巧克力让我心里特别满足。

I will also provide a more elegant, though rephrased extensively but more to my appetite, translation. It's certainly not an example for you to learn from, but I'd like to show how succinct and beautiful the language can be.(●°u°●)​ 」

在我还是小姑娘时，眼中世界再无什么比垃圾食品更重要——麦当劳、披萨、巧克力皆我所爱。父亲每忽遽，便许我大食以远搅扰；而他又常在电脑上忙，无怪乎我体态充腴。

我年虽幼，亦不免觉察人待我有别于常，由是不逞于形体，日渐销沉。我愿姿体臞露，至少，莫丰盈如斯。彼时固晓富脂食品增人体重，然大人不免困窘于纤体，童子如我安能节食而瘦身？只巧克力，就令我意足啊。

Comments:

Using different words to express the same thing makes you look scholar( *・ω・). Bold words, in order, means 忙碌/胖/不满/很瘦/胖/让人长胖/减肥/减肥/心里满足.

Using adequate verbs to express abstract action makes the passage advanced. Italic 远 means to get rid of.

Note that to achieve these requires very high level of vocabulary.