Continuing on from part 1:
Please critique my writing. Probably the bit I'm most uncomfortable with is "可是甚至成年人遇到控制体重的困难" but I'm not sure how else to write this.
I spoke with my teacher about this, and she mentioned I should point out my level: I've nearly finished studying HSK4.
I've tried to incorporate feedback from the last part, e.g. I use 如此 here which arose last time, and even 我当时很胖 as a result of this question. I've tried to be more careful choosing words, and be a bit more succinct in my writing (neither of which is easy). The passage is a bit shorter, but I feel if it's too short, it wouldn't be useful.
Part of the reason for doing this is because standard Chinese language texts are incredibly boring. There's no story, just isolated sentences without meaning.
I'm hoping not for a word-for-word correction to perfect Chinese, but more a critique: mostly just identifying the major issues (that I might be totally blind to). Alternatively rewriting the passage in your own style is also very helpful; afterwards, I'll compare our word and grammar choices.
When I was a little girl, the most important thing in the world was chocolate and other junk food. I loved eating McDonalds, pizza, and chocolate cake. When my father was busy, he would let me eat so I wouldn't disturb him. And he was often on his computer working. Unsurprisingly, I became fat.
Although I was young, I couldn't help be notice people treated me differently, and it made me feel unhappy with my body, and I slowly became sad. I wanted to be skinny, or at least not so fat. At that time I knew eating fatty foods causes people to become fat, but even adults struggle to control their weight, I can't just simply not eat and lose weight. Eating chocolate made me feel content inside.