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Continuing from parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5:

那时候因为没有不断的渴望吃巧克力等,所以我开始减肥了。并不像我一天起床后就发现了我如魔法般地变瘦那样,反而久而久之,我的身体越来越改变。从最初胖女孩的样子,我终于获得了健康的体重。对人人来说,类似于毛毛虫变成蝴蝶,我逐渐变成小美女了。我当时没有那么知道的,所以对于这种减肥药连朋友都没告诉过,而其实我好几次去看医生,所以我对那一次没有多想。现在我了解社会对胖子的态度,他人有时候不友好甚至也许残忍地对待他们。但是现在谁都能像我一样减肥,所以除了最穷的人,我们差不多消除了胖子。

Please critique my writing. New words for me are in links. I'm at an "almost mastered HSK4" level. The narrative is from a person in the present (Zhou Ziwang 周子望) describing her unusual past.

I tried to be a bit more adventurous with my writing this time, with more sophisticated grammar. The last sentence was the most difficult for me, so here's an English translation:

But now everyone can lose weight the same way I did, so except for the poorest people, we've basically eliminated fat people.

It's fiction: if you're thinking "hmm... that sounds a bit like genocide", then I'm doing it right. For those who haven't realized it yet, I'm heading towards a moral conflict between technology vs. individuality. However, it's not straightforward to check if I'm successfully conveying a "kinda genocide-y feel" in my writing.

(Part of the reason for doing this is because standardized texts are incredibly boring, e.g. "How do you go about achieving success?" or "How did Wang Jing settle her dispute over buying a refrigerator?" ...zzzZZZ.)

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    对人人来说 is incorrect. Maybe you meant 对人来说(to human beings)? – dan Dec 15 '19 at 1:00
  • Thanks. Perhaps 对他人来说 or 对别人来说 is even better, something like "from other people's perspective". – Becky 李蓓 Dec 15 '19 at 2:23
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    在别人看来 or 在别人眼里(in others ' view) is what you intend to mean? – dan Dec 15 '19 at 2:54
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之后因为不再不停地吃巧克力,我开始变瘦了。并不是某天起床后我发现自己魔法般瘦了下来,而是月来日往,我的身体逐渐改变,从一开始的胖女孩,变成了小美女。我当时并不是很懂,所以这种减肥药即便是朋友也没有告诉过,又因为我去看过好几次医生,所以对那一次也没有多想。现在我了解社会对胖子的态度,人们对他们有时候不友好,甚至有些残忍。但现在几乎谁都能像我一样减肥,所以除了最穷的人外,我们差不多消灭了胖子。

Comments:

题主自言本习作语言运用更大胆,自然错漏不通之处也更频繁可见了。

从此前的故事来看,这里讲的是注射药物后的事情,最好用之后,由此应该用不再而不是没有

客观上不吃巧克力才能让我变瘦,而主观上不渴望与其因果关系更远。

我开始减肥表达的是“我开始采取行动去控制体重”这件事,而事实上体重减轻应该用变瘦

如魔法般的已经表达了的含义,所以不应该以并不像发语,而是并不是

虽然都是转折关系,但是反而指与上文意思相反,或是指出乎意料的转折,此处否一是二的意图应该用“不是……而是……”的关联词。

虽然都表示时间的流逝,但久而久之侧重时间流逝后事物变化的结果,而日来月往这样的词,侧重随着时间的流逝,事物变化的过程。此处显然想要表达“随着时间推移我的身体渐渐改变”这件事。

并不是很懂这个说法比较自然。

对于一词引入了语病,句子的宾语丢掉了,所以要去掉。

因果关系。因为我看过好几次医生了,所以对于特定的那次没有什么特别的注意。

他们他们不友好?同一个句子同样的指示代词不宜二指。

矛盾。既然谁都能像我一样减肥,为何又说除了最穷的人呢?要加几乎二字。

要表达你的那重意思,消灭是更贴切的说法,其与时事相合,用这个词大家一听就知道什么意思。

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  • "日来月往"和"月来日往"一样吗? – Becky 李蓓 Dec 15 '19 at 2:02
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    The same thing.QwQ – Toosky Hierot Dec 15 '19 at 2:07
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    月来日往 is archaic/very old-fashioned. It sounds stilted when you put it into a mondern context. – dan Dec 15 '19 at 2:59

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