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Please help me to check if my text for the video is correct. 大家好! 我是_, 我来自俄罗斯, 今年20岁。 目前还是一个_大学外国语学院的学生。 我是一个渴望知识的人, 学得很认真和努力。 我家不太富裕, 我从中学工作和帮助解决金钱问题。 从那时起,我试图了解金融和经济学是如何运作的, 觉得很有意思。 在我上学期间, 也对数学和分析非常感兴趣, 所以想在_大学学习金融。 日常的生活我喜欢看小说, 学外语和聊天跟外国人。 感谢您的收看。

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  • Just for curiosity sake, may I ask how long have you been studying the language? May 15 at 3:28

4 Answers 4

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大家好! 我是____, 我来自俄罗斯, 今年20岁。 目前还是[一个]__大学外国语学院的学生。 我是一个渴望知识的人, 学得很认真和努力。 我家不太富裕, 我从中学開始工作[和]帮助解决金钱问题。 从那时起,我试图了解金融和经济[学]是如何运作的, 對那觉得很有[意思]興趣在我上学期间, [也]对数学和分析非常感兴趣, 所以想在[]大学]同時学习金融和外国语。 日常的生活我喜欢看小说, 学外语和[聊天}跟外国人聊天。 感谢您的收看。

The writing is very fluent, congratulation! I've made minor changes to make it a little smoother.

[ ] - delete the word(s).

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  • All those who answered to date probably felt that 感谢您的收看 requires no "improvement" So, my question is, is "收看" all that appropriate given OP's intention and request? May 15 at 3:22
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    Yes. Because he is making a video resume.
    – r13
    May 15 at 13:56
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大家好! 我叫_, 来自俄罗斯, 今年20岁。 目前还是_大学外国语学院的学生。我是一个渴望知识的人, 学得很认真也很努力。我家不太富裕, 所以我从中学就开始打工,帮助家里解决经济困难。从那时起,我开始试图了解金融和经济是如何运作的, 并对它们产生了兴趣。在我上学期间, 也对数学和分析非常感兴趣, 所以想在_大学学习金融。 在日常生活中,我喜欢看小说、学外语和跟外国人聊天。我的自我介绍就到这里,感谢您的收看。

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Here's my take on it (I'm late-HSK6 student). To begin, note that there is no space after a full stop in Chinese, and the Chinese comma is written , and not ,.

大家好!我是_,我来自俄罗斯,今年20岁。

That's fine.

目前还是一个_大学外国语学院的学生。

This sentence originally lacked a subject (although maybe you can infer the subject). I'd also be tempted to add a 属于, but it looks like it's okay without it.

Original: 我是一个渴望知识的人,学得很认真和努力。
Mine: 我是一个渴望知识的人,学得又认真又努力

Perhaps this is one of those rare cases where 和 can be used to connect adjectives, but ordinarily 和 connects nouns (and sometimes verbs with common subjects and objects), while 又……又…… is used to connect adjectives.

Original: 我家不太富裕, 我从中学工作和帮助解决金钱问题。
Mine: 我家不太富裕,所以为了帮助减轻家庭的经济负担,我从中学开始工作。

This sentence gives (a) a reason why you need to help (so it's natural to use 所以), and (b) what you goal of helping is (so it's natural to use 为了). I use a common way of saying "help out financially" in Chinese, 减轻家庭的经济负担 = "lighten the family's economic burden". I don't have a good explanation here, but 从中学 by itself feels incomplete.

Original: 从那时起,我试图了解金融和经济学是如何运作的, 觉得很有意思。
Mine: 从那时起,我尽量了解金融和经济学是如何运作的, 觉得这些话题很有意思。

Here 试图 needs to be modified to indicate an ongoing process; there are multiple ways of achieving this. The issue with 我……觉得很有意思 is that it doesn't specify what is interesting (such as in 我觉得很有意思).

Original: 在我上学期间, 也对数学和分析非常感兴趣, 所以想在_大学学习金融。
Mine: 在上学时, 也对数学和分析非常感兴趣, 所以想在_大学学习金融。

The problem here is there is no subject (the 我 comes after the 在, so it only plays a role in specifying the timeframe); it doesn't say who is interested in math and analysis.

Original: 日常的生活我喜欢看小说, 学外语和聊天跟外国人。 感谢您的收看。
Mine: 日常的生活,我喜欢看小说、学外语和跟外国人聊天

Using 在日常的生活中 without the 在……中 might be acceptable, but it's not familiar to me. Note the use of the 、 comma instead of the , comma. Most important here is that 聊天 is a separable verb so we need to use separable verb grammar. In this case, we need to use the structure 跟……聊天.

感谢您的收看。

That's fine.

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    While 属于 is grammatical to add, it makes the sentence very unnatural. 试图 is better than 尽量. It is a still-going process from then. 了解 cannot be the predicate here; I don't know the term, but it's not "verbal" enough. 尽量去了解 solves the problem.
    – lilysirius
    May 15 at 8:08
  • Another thing feels awkward is 看小说、学外语和跟外国人聊天. Change 和 to 以及 is much better. This is phonetic.
    – lilysirius
    May 15 at 8:09
  • Chinese language is more flexible than English and other western languages. But there is still some work to be done for better reading. 看小说、学外语还有跟外国人聊天 is a better choice, 谢谢您的观看 is more natural than 感谢您的收看. 收看is a formal word often used to highlight the show to be watched, like an important event, and sounds a little awkward when what you like others to watch is a short video of your self-introduction. May 17 at 15:25
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大家好!我是_,我来自俄罗斯,今年20岁。目前是_大学外国语学院的学生。我是一个渴望知识的人, 学得很认真努力。我家不太富裕,我从中学开始工作以解决金钱问题。从那时起,我试图了解金融和经济学是如何运作的, 觉得很有意思。在我上学期间, 也对数学和分析非常感兴趣, 所以想在_大学学习金融。 在日常生活中我喜欢看小说, 学外语和跟外国人聊天。感谢您的观看。

No space is needed. 空格是不需要的。

Use less “and”. "and" doesn't have many meaning in chinese. 在中文中,“和”有时可以被省略,或使用更具体的关联词,“和”没有那么多的隐藏含义。

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